Sorry for the hiatus

I know I havent blogged in a couple of days. Just taking sometime to myself trying work on me (mostly been blogging on my private blog). Tryna let everything go, and just focus on things that are more important, like my ibaadah. Alhamdulillah, Im doing okay. Im learning to be less emotional and focus my feelings to other things. Im just emotionally attaching myself from everything. And alhamdulillah its working. Just one step at a time, thats all it takes. Im not worrying about anything anymore. Whatever happens, happens and I'll accept it. Yeah I have a few bad moments, but I just brush them off and keep on moving. I know Im a strong person and Ive been through alot and I'll be able to get through this as well. Im on my way back to me.

I was tagged by Umm Travis from Tea Break Thoughts. Insha'Allah I'll get to it soon. Love you all for the sake of Allah.

Eid Outfit

Alhamdulillah, I can't wait for Eid, which is actually in a few weeks. Its crazy how time flies. It seems like Eid-ul-Fitr was yesterday. Its the first time in a long time that I have something new to wear for it. Insha'Allah this is what I'll be wearing:

A wonderful sister bought this for me from Egypt (thanks again). I absolutely love it. The picture isn't that great of quality, but its a deep purple, with beautiful detailing. I love the hood as well, which Im going to pin to my hijab (I forgot to add it in the pic). I can't wait to wear it, even though I have worn in around the house in some cases because I like it soo much.

Now the only problem what shoes am I going to wear with it? I got these black satin ballet flats that look cute with it, but we'll see.

Close Call

I came very close to deleting my blog last night. I swear, I was so ready to hit the delete blog button. I just became overwhelmed with everything. THere were a few things said last night, not on my blog but made by someone else that kinda hurt me. I then was reading thru my blog last night and going thru old post wondering what happened to the days that I felt like that. I broke down crying after I read one of my post titled A Hug Goes A Long Way. I couldnt help it because its not that way anymore. The excitement that I felt when I first got married, how happy I was, how blessed I felt, its turned into sadness, anger, but alhamdulillah I am still blessed. You just never know what the future may hold, all you can do is ask Allah SWT to help prepare you for whatever that may come your way. And I was totally not prepared for this in the least. Im not ready to move, Im not ready to let go. There's still so much to say and do that I don't want to stop. These are some other things that I read in my blog that made me cry.

I feel blessed. Insha'Allah, I'll feel like this everyday of my marriage, which I hope it'll be til the day I die. Until next time from my fairy tale come true

I hope that I won't have to go through the heartache and pain of divorce again, that this is my final marriage. I pray to be with my husband til the day Allah calls us back to Him. And Allah knows best. For now Im still counting towards it being forever.

Like I said I never saw it coming, caught completely off guard. But I guess that's life. You get knocked down and you have the choice whether to stay down or get back up and brush yourself off and keep moving. I always try to remember what Allah SWT says in the Qur'an

Fa inna ma'al 'usri yusra

Inna ma'al 'usri yusra

Verily, along with every hardship is relief.

Verily, along with every hardship is relief. (Surat Ash-Sharh, v. 5-6)

And also the words of our beloved Prophet (SAW):

“There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that touches the believer, even the pricking of a thorn, except that Allah decrees a good for him or effaces one of his sins because of that.” (Sahih Muslim, V. 4, Hadith # 6241)

If I constantly remember that, I'll be okay. Im getting there.

Where Im at Now

I know its been a couple of days since I posted. Im still just trying to sort things out. Everything is still a but hard and emotional for me. Im just taking everything day by day with the help of Allah SWT to guide me. Nothing has really changed, everything is still the same. The pain is still there, but its a bit subsided. I feel it a little less. Im still a bit angry but Im starting to accept everything and just trying to put things into perspective. Im looking forward to the next month. Insha'Allah I'll have a lot of time to myself to think about things and see where life takes me. I still hope for my husband and I to work things out, Im still holding on to that little hope because you never what could happen but Im not holding too tight. May Allah guide us both to what is best.

Black Sequins

I absolutely love this sequin covered jacket from Forever21. And the price is absolutely amazing, only $27.80. Not bad. You can dress it up, dress it down. I would wear it over a black abaya to glam it up a bit.

Rainy Night Ramblings

I can't really sleep, haven't been able to do that much lately, so I thought I would just write. At least its comforting and helpful when I have so much on my mind. I think I always get that way when its raining. Its thundering and lightning and the rain is coming down hard. Its actually kind of soothing. *Sighs* God I have so much on my mind right now. Im thinking about everything that is going and finding ways to come to terms with everything. My soon to be ex-husband and I had went out today, well to jumuah and to run errands and it was a hard thing to do. I still him as my husband. Everytime I look at his face, it still puts a smile on my face. The way he looks at things, the way he smiles, I still notice all these little things and it makes it hurt just that much more. I mean he is still acting the same, he still looks the same, so it seems like nothing has changed. We still laugh together and talk. I remember today, when I was getting my glasses we were sitting down waiting for them too bring the frames and I just stared at him asking myself is it really over? Is it? This man that Im so fond of? Could he really have meant what he said? Is there anyway for all this to work? A million questions and thoughts popped into my head. Subhanallah, the way I feel about this man if he but knew. I still like Im his wife and he kinda still treats me like I am. Right now we seem like best friends. I see something when I look at him, there's this feeling that comes over me and it just draws me closer to him. Its been that way for as long as I can remember. I mean he has his quirky, weird ways but I think thats what I like about him is because he's different. Ya rabbi, all this stuff came pouring into my head all I one moment and I can't stop feeling this way. Why? Shouldn't I be angry at him, cursing him, not talking to him? I can't. I don't have it in me. I still care about him soo much. I think thats what makes it harder. I want all this to work but I just don't know how. I look at him and see all the things that could be, things that would make our life happy. Maybe its just wishful thinking, maybe Im just dreaming a bit too much. Maybe Im just hoping too much knowin good and well its hopeless. I should let go but par of me won't let me. Im still holding on, being patient hoping everything will get better. Only Allah knows and insha'Allah I pray things will get better.

Im sorry if what I wrote makes absolutely no sense, but I just needed to get that all out.

My New Glasses

I can finally see again, well I'll be able to finally see on Monday when I go to pick them up. I absolutely love them. I wanted something different, non-traditional. They're a new brand (well I dont think they are) called Vogue, yes like the magazine. The spokesperson for them is Giselle Bundshen. You might seen ads in some fashion magazines. I wanted these DKNY frames but of course they never have what I want. At least Im happy now, we'll see how long that last..anyways

Do you like?

Where Im At Right Now

Divorce has many emotional stages:-

Denial: "This is not happening to me. It's all a
misunderstanding. It's just a midlife crisis. We can work it
out."
Anger and resentment: "How can he [she] do this
to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not fair!"
Bargaining: "If you'll stay, I'll change" or "If I agree to
do it [money, childrearing, sex, whatever] your way, can we get back
together?"
Depression: "This is really happening, I
can't do anything about it, and I don't think I can bear it."
Acceptance: "Okay, this is how it is, and I'd rather accept
it and move on than wallow in the past."

[source]

I've been throught the denial part. I think I'm still kind of denying it. Ive done the bargaining, trying to find some way to make it all work, hoping it was just phase or thinking we just needed more time.

Right now, Im at the anger and resentment part. Im just soo angry at him right now. I feel like why did you marry me in the first place if this was the case. I really feel like beating the crap outta something. May someone find me a punching bag?? Im serious!!

Im tryna keep my anger under control. A'udhu billahi minas Shaytanir Rajeem. I even started to lash out at him earlier and tried to pick a fight, maybe try to make him feel bad because of everything which wasn't a smart thing to do, but at least I apologized.
We'll see how the next stage goes.

Yâ hayyu yâ qayyüm, bi rahmatika astaghithu

(O You, the Everlasting and All-Sustainer, persistently do I invoke Your mercy)

‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi
yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin
huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan
min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana
rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi

(O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female
slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and
Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You
named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your
creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that
You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a
departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety)

Ameen

Feelings

I cried soo hard last night. I can't remember the last time I ever cried like that. Im just sad, angry, but most of all hurt. Im feeling the hurt more than anything else. I think the reality of everything has sunk in and it completely sucks. I hate feeling this way but right now I can't help it. I wish things were different. I wish I didn't feel this way. I feel like doing nothing but crying, like there is just a dark cloud hovering over me everywhere I go. May Allah ease my pain.

Guess The 2nd Time isn't a Charm.

Well where do I start? There is so much to say.*sighs* Here I go. Ive decided, well mutually decided to end our marriage (we decided to just end it by khula). I know it seems so sudden and you may say you've only been married a month? But trust me this was the right thing to do. The reason why is becaus it started to turn into a loveless marriage. Why continue to be with someone that has very little attraction to you. You need that in order to make a marriage work. Love, emotion, all plays into that factor and it was surely lacking. Im kinda suprise that Im taking this well, I guess becuase I saw it coming but just didn't want to admit to it. We are just not meant for each other. We are two different people who see things different ways.
Am I hurt? Yeah I cant lie about that because its the last thing I wanted, especially me being married before and that ending in divorce, for good reason. I know this happened for the best. At least we were honest with each other instead of carrying on acting like everything was okay when it really wasnt. I would of felt deceived then. I mean we weren't mean to each other, we never hurt each other, none of that craziness. Some things just dont work out, some people are just not meant to be together. Im accepting of what Allah has decreed even though I wish things were different. Alhamdulillah he is a great man, very respectful, religious. I have nothing bad to say about him and never will. But I guess I need more outta of marriage and he saw he wasn't giving me what I deserved. So instead of being miserable, we just let it go. There's no hard feelings at all. And we've talked through everything and everything will be find. I'll be okay. Life goes on and there's probably someone better out there for me, just haven't found them yet. Insha'Allah I will. But Im not gonna fret I put my trust in Allah. Hopefully the third time is a charm.

Fall Colors

Have you ever just sat back and watched the world outside you? How amazing the creation of Allah is? Im really loving the fall right now. Where I live there are so many trees around, not like how it was in NY, tree here, tree there. Here I feel like Im living in a forest somewhere and its absolutely beautiful. Everytimw Im driving with my husband and cant help but stare out the window and daydream. I love looking at all the gorgeous colors of trees, from the yellows, reds, oranges. It almost looks the trees are on fire. I wish the trees would stay that solor all year long. It really brightens up the world. Too bad all the leaves are gonna fall off and die and the trees will be bare. Thank God for Evergreens. Mentioning trees, I need to find out what kind of trees are here in NC. They are tall and very skinny, and look like the slightest gust of air might knock them over. But they are cute, not really an eyesore. I love nature minus all the bugs. If it werent for that I would lie in the grass and roll around. Here's an outfit inspired by fall....



Fall colors by muslimaheyes

Just Another Random Post

Im feeling so down and out today, why, I have no idea. I don't feel doing anything. I struggled to get up this morning, my body was aching, I had to force myself to pray (subhanAllah), I didn't wanna talk to my husband, I didnt even wanna be around him. Even last night before I went to bed, I locked the bedroom door so he wouldn't come in. Yea its bad. Did he do something? Maybe or maybe it's just me letting out my anger in a very quiet way. Sometimes I feel like I have some type of resentment towards him for no reason, like Im angry at him. Maybe its a deeper issue. maybe its because I feel like Im not being treated how I need to be treated. Just make dua for me.

Am I Dreaming or Was History Just Made???

Barack Obama will be the 44th president of the United States of America.

I just gained a new found hope for this country.

Congragulations!!!WooooooHoooooooo!!

A Mother's Advice

I had received a really sweet email from my mother, may Allah bless her. I got soo emotional after reading it. We try to talk at least every other day, but she is a very busy woman. She works 2 jobs and I don't know how she does it. She's such a strong woman that I'd admire and respect so much. We've had differnces but she's always been there for me when ever I needed her. And being so far away from her makes me sad, but I know she's only a plane ride away. I love my mom so much and I know for sure she loves me.

Waikum as Salaam,

My crazy but loving daughter,

It's good to hear from you. Everything here is the same, but I miss you. But, I'm truly glad that everything is going well. I sincerely hope that you and [hubby's name goes here] have a wonderful life together. Remember to be considerate and patience with one another. Always be truthful and talk out your problems or disagreements. And most importantly try never to go to bed angry. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR ROAD TEST. Insha'llah you'll be a licensed CRAZY driver.
Please give [hubby's name goes here] my Salaams and to PLEASEEEEEEEE! send me at least one picture. It would be nice to see you soon, but if you don't come to NY, then maybe I might be able to make it down there. Well bye for now. Talk to you soon!

Love Always,
Mom

Elegance

It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. So what do I do? I get creative! Hope you like as much as I do.



Enjoy!!

The Color of Love

Im now addicted to polyvore. I love how you can put together outfits. This outfit is somewhat of my personal style. Red is my favorite color. It just brightens up my day. Now all I need is a red coat and I'll be good to go.

It'll all come back to you

I went to jumu'ah last friday, and the imam gave a khutbah about sincerity in your deen. He went to say how to achieve that is by giving sadaqah. I can't find the exact hadith he used, but when I find I'll put it here. So after jumuah, my husband and I ran some errands, I had to go to the eye doctor to get anew prescription for glasses, and so on.

So we had went to the mall to kinda comparison shop for frames that I'd liked. I found one but didnt get them because I wanted to look at another store, but they were closed. As we were walking in the car, my husband wanted to see something in J.C. Penney. So while we there, he was looking at some shirts, I wondered in to the handbag section which was very near. Handbags are a girls thirdbest friend, right after diamonds and shoes.

While I was looking around, my husband comes up to me, showed me a card and asked if it was a real J.C. Penney gift card (I used to work at JC Penney), I said yeah why? Some guy was talking to my husband saying that he'd sell him the gift card and other things I couldn't really hear. Automatically I thought it was a scam, but they kept talking. My husband isn't naive about things, he has that businessman mentality. Afterwards, my husband tells me to get whatever bad I wanted and he'd be right back. Now Im wondering what in the world is going on? Who is this guy and what does he want? I didn't like the guy because he asked my husband if I was his mother!!! Can you believe that?! Maybe because my husband just looked young that day.

Anyways, Im sitting here thing in my mind trying to figure out was going on. I finally picked out a bag and my husband took everything to the checkout and paid for everything. I asked my husband what just happened not like I really wanted to know. But he told me that the guy was stranded and didn't have any money to get home. So he had a $200 gift card that he wanted to sell for $140. My husband talked him down to $85 and the guy accepted. So thats why they were talking for a long time. Luckily it wasn't a scam. I know my husband is smarter than that. But alhamdulillah everything worked out for us. The bill came out to a little over $200, and with the gift card, brought it down to almost nothing. So we basically got $200 worth of stuff for $100, thats half off. Im not complaining because I got the bag I really wanted.

So you're wondering how does this all relate? I kinda gave you the long version of the story but as we were walking to the car my husband had told me that he had given sadaqah at the masjid.

Allah says:“The likeness of those who spend for Allah’s sake is as the likeness of a grain of corn, it grows seven ears every single ear has a hundred grains, and Allah multiplies (increases the reward of) for whom He wills, and Allah is sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knower).” (Surat Al-Baqarah.v:261)

So whatever you give in sadaqah, it'll will come back to you multiplied. I had said to myself, boy was that fast. That is the mercy of Allah. He gives to whom He wills and takes from who He wills. So why do we hold back from giving sadaqah when we know it'll be returned to as more than what we put out. We don't even have to spend a dime in order for it to be considered as charity. Your time, performing good deeds, even something as simple as a smile is sadaqah. Here are a few Ahadith about sadaqah:

The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: “To smile in the company of your brother is charity. To command to do good deeds and to prevent others from doing evil is charity. To guide a person in a place where he can not get astray is charity. To remove troublesome things like thorns and bones from the road is charity. To pour water from your jug into the jug of your brother is charity. To guide a person with defective vision is charity for you.” (Bukhari)

Hudhaifah (ra) narrated that the Prophet (saw) said, "Every favor done is a Sadaqah (charity)."

Abu Hurairah narrated that “Abu Dharr said to the Messenger of Allah, ‘The wealthy people have all the rewards; they pray as we pray; they fast as we fast; and they have surplus wealth which they give in charity; but we have no wealth which we may give in charity.’ Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said: ‘Abu Dharr, should I not teach you phrases by which you acquire the rank of those who excel you? No one can acquire your rank except one who acts like you.’ He said, Why not, Allah’s Messenger (SAW)? He said: ‘Exalt Allah say: "Allahu Akbar" (Allah is Most Great) after each prayer thirty-three times; and praise Him say: "Alhamdulillah" (Praise be to Allah) thirty-three times; and glorify Him say: "Subhan Allah" (Glory be to Allah) thirty-three times; and end it by saying, "La ilâha illallâhu wahdahu la shareeka lahu, lahul mulku wa lahul hamdu yuhyi wa yomeetu wa Huwa ‘ala kulli shai’in Qadeer." ( There is no god but Allah alone, He has no partner, to Him belongs the Kingdom, to Him praise is due and He has power over everything.) Your sins will be forgiven, even if they are like the foam of the sea.’” (Abu Dawud)


Abu Hurairah (RA) narrated that the Prophet (SAW) said, “Every day two angels come down from Heaven and one of them says, 'O Allah! Compensate every person who spends in Your cause’, and the other (angel) says, 'O Allah! Destroy every miser.’” (Bukhari)

May Allah the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful give us opportunities to do many ways of giving sadaqah for His pleasure and reward us best life, especially in the Hereafter. May we spend our lives, time, money and efforts or everything in us to do deeds that Allah accepts as forms of sadaqah solely for His Sake. May our Rabb save us from the Hell-Fire by protecting us from being miser. Ameen.