Nothing to Fear

Well you already know I got married the other day. The thing behind it is that I never told my family about my intention. Why you may ask? Because 99.9% of my family are non-Muslim, only me and my mom are, and they don't really understand the concepts and the reasons of marriage in Islam.

You think I would of told my mother, but I still didn't even let her know. Was it selfish of me? I don't think so. I believe I was looking out for my best interest. Was I scared? In a way I was. I wasn't scared of the idea of getting married or moving away to another state, or what my family would of said because their opinion wouldn't have changed my mind. I was a bit scared to tell my mother because of the way she reacted when I told her I got married the first time. She was SO upset.

It was mostly my fault, the way I went about getting married to my first husband. I had told my mom about him and she met him, but we never made our intentions clear. I told my mom that I wasn't planning on getting married and I was gonna wait....Yeah right!!! I ended up getting married a week later, and I didn't show up at home the next day or the day after that because I had moved in with my ex-husband. I had came back home to get the rest of my things and my brothers were there and they already knew I was married because I was packing my things and leaving. My mom called me the next day I asked me if I got married? I told her yes and she flipped on me. She was angry at the fact that I didn't tell her anything at all, that she heard from someone else. It was sad how she found out.

The story is a bit complicated but I told my best friend right before I got married. She then told her mother who passed it on to someone else and then that someone else passed it to others and then everyone was going to my mom to say congratulations on something she had no clue about. Now how is this all linked together? My mom teaches at an Islamic school. My friend attended high school at the school my mom works at. My friend's mom also worked at the school and still knows all the staff and keeps in touch. So my friends my mom called one of the teachers and that were it started to spread. Then as always, the story started to change. People started saying the reason I got married was because I was pregnant, which I was totally NOT!! This is what happens when a bunch of women who have nothing better to do but talk and gossip all day do. I figured my mom was pretty embarrassed so she called me to set everything straight. She told me that I should of had let her know because she wanted to be there when I got married. I felt really bad that I hurt my mom, but I was so caught with someone who in the long run turned out to be bad for me.

So the second time around, you think I would have done things differently, well not quite. Instead of straight out telling her I kinda hinted it to her. I told her I was interested in my husband and all the good stuff. She was pretty impressed and wanted to talk to him. He had called her and talked to her for a little while. I told my mom that I was flying down to NC to visit him and I was going to be away for a week. I bet she figured I was getting married but of course she didn't say anything. I spent 3 days looking for the right words to say to her, to let her know I was getting married. Finally I told her the next day. Well actually I didn't say it my husband did. I was way too nervous because I didn't know how she would react to it since my mother is very unpredictable. When my husband handed me back the phone the first thing my mom said to me was thaat I was a chicken and she was gonna pluck my feathers like one. lol. I know my mother is crazy. She said I should of just spit it out and said it. She wasn't gonna kill me or anything. She said she was happy for me and that this might be the best thing for especially after what happened in my last marriage. She said that me starting off new, in a new place, new house, new people will be good. Also she told me to make sure that I visit my relatives who live out here and she said she'll always be my mother and she'll always be there. Pheww!!! What a relief that was but I know its not the end of what she has to say. I'm going back to NY tomorrow to get a few more of my things so then my transition will be complete, then I'll be flying right back down Saturday.

Why is that most of us are scared to tell our parents things? Is it out of fear or disappointing them or what they are gonna say? I think for me it was more of hurting my mom because Im living in a different state and I won't be as close to her as she likes. Im the only girl and the oldest so you know how that goes. But Im older and have to spread my wings and take flight. I can't stay in the nest forever. I think parents never really want to think of that day and dread it but they know it'll happen. But I know my mom will be okay,she knows Im an adult and have to make decisions on my own and alhamdulillah she respects it. She never really interferes with my life, she lets me live but of course still gives me advice along the way. I'll still love her no matter where in the world I may be. May Allah make things easy for her and myself. Ameen

Eid Mubarak

Ramadan has surely flew by this year. It seem like it started just yesterday. It's bittersweet but insha'Allah we keep up on our ibaadah and notbecome Ramadan muslims.

Today has been pretty good, well actually more like absolutely fantastically amazing. I got married today right after Eid prayer. Yes Im finally a newly married woman again. I feel like Im floating on clouds right now. It was a very simple ceremony, just me, my husband, and a handful of other people besides the imam and my wali. It was just how I wanted it to be. It was really foggy and raining but it didn't dampen my day one bit. Just seeing my husband's smile surely made it sooo much brighter. He is an absolutely wonderful man. All the words in the world aren't enough to help me describe him. He is truly a great blessing from Allah SWT that I'll never take for granted. He truly completes me and surely my deen feels completed since marriage is half of your deen. I couldn't be any happier right now. Allah has surely blessed me with more than I ever thought of. Surely Allah is the Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

And what did I do right after the wedding? We went to Starbucks and had a iced chai tea latte, yum! We absolutely LOVE starbucks. Insha'Allah we will be going to the movies later to continue our celebration. Tomorrow we plan on going to this big Eid celebration here in NC, which should be fun and the hubby is taking me to dinner tomorrow night as well. I'm just ecstatic to be a newlywed for the second time. This time around surely feels so much better. I feel like telling the whole world of my marriage. Im sorry if Im rambling on but I really can't help it. I feel blessed. Insha'Allah, I'll feel like this everyday of my marriage, which I hope it'll be til the day I die. Until next time from my fairy tale come true...As-Salaamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraktuhu :)

A New Beginning

As-Salaamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu....I hope you didn't miss me =). I don't think I was gone long enough for anyone to miss me. But here I am with a full fresh start, away from the drama of my old life. I decided to keep the same blog but just spruced it up a bit. I deleted alot of the previous posts because I didn't wanna be reminded of all the old things that happened. Insha'Allah, I hope all of you like it.

So what's going on?? I finally moved, yay!!! It feels too good to be away from NY, away from all the noise, the lights, the people, the crowds, just the city in general. Where Im at now is soooo much quieter, peaceful, serene, and perfect. I've never been happier. As for my wedding, it should be taking place within the next couple days. Can't wait for that. It's just gonna be very simple, nothing over the top. Just me, my husband, the imam, my wali, and the 2 witnesses, that's all I need. I've never been into the whole go outta way, spend your life-savings type wedding. I'm a very simple person, too simple at times, but that's how I like it. I'm just gonna wear an abaya that I already have, which I haven't worn much because it's a bit too fancy for everyday wear, nice shoees, and a new hijab.

My family is not gonna be present because they are all the wayback in NY, and I'd rather not have them there. They aren't too keen on me getting married again, especially after my last marriage, which I believe that they are still angry at me for. Insha'Allah, when I visit NY probably around Thanksgiving or Christmas, when the hubby is off from school, I'll have a little get together o what not. We'll see. But overall, I don't care what my family says, it's not gonna stop me from doing what I wanna do. Whether they like it or not, Im my own person, who can make her own decisions.

Anyway, I'm just oo excited to let anything spoil my day. Alhamdulillah my husband to be is great. So much better than the last one. Allah SWT has been very merciful to me and I am soo grateful. He is more than words can describe. Everything I wanted, everything I needed and then some. Insha'Allah we will have a blessed life together.

So from here and now my new journey begins. I look forward to sharing all the good times and bad, but hopefully more good, only time will tell.

Some good news

Just to let you know that insha'Allah I may be getting married again. You may say it's too soon or you are rushing things, but I truly believe in my heart this is the right thing to do. Alhamdulillah I met a good brother and I've been talking to him for a while and it almost seems too good to be true, but I feel like Allah has answered my dua. I've made istikhaarah about it, and yesterday the feeling just hit me like a ton of bricks. It was telling me to just go for it you have nothing to lose. He lives in another state, which isn't too far only 2hours by plane, so Insha'Allah, I will be flying down next weekend. Yes you might say that I shouldn't travel by myself, that I need a mahram, but I don't have one and I am not naive about anything. When my gut says something, I follow and its telling me that its right.
I'm feeling very good about things. I've let soo many opportunities pass me by in life and I'm not gonna let another go. I don't wanna look back a think about the path untaken, thinking what would of happened if I did this or that. I want no regret. I'm ready to leave NY and see what else is out there in the world. I don't wanna limit myself to anything. I'm taking a risk by doing it, but I'm a risk taker. You don't know what you get until you go after it. Insha'Allah so by next week, I will be a married woman, something I've wanted for awhile. Hopefully, things are better the second time around. I ask that you keep me in your duas and wish me luck. They next time you'll hear from me I'll be blogging from a different state and a different blog. As-salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu.

To Move or Not to Move?

As-Salaamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu
No I'm moving to a different state or country (well not right now, but that's another story).I've thinking for awhile now to change my blog, really moving to a new blog. With all this drama that has been in my life for the past couple of months, I just want a clean and new start. I'm about to embark on a new journey, in a new place, and insha'Allah with a new person. It's best to live all those problems and the past. This chapter has closed and another one is about to begin. Insha'Allah in the near future Through My Muslim Eyes will be all new. I hope that my dear readers will tag along wherever I go. I don't know if I'll still be blogging here for the time being or just wait til I start my new blog. I'll keep you updated. =)

My Hijab Story

Every muslimah has one, whether funny, inspiring, challenging, etc. When I say hijab, I just don't mean my struggle to wear a head scarf, but to wear hijab overall as in making sure my awrah is covered.
I've been wearing hijab since I was three years old. Well actually I think it was when I was two years old, since I have pictures of my 2nd birthday were a pink hijab. My dad said it was easy to convince me to wear it because I loved to wear hats and I will be in the house not wanting to take it off. I remember my very first hijab as it was yesterday. It was actually one my dad made me using a yellow shirt of his-lol. We where in a hurry and I my hair was a mess, and my mother wasn't around to fix it, so easy solution-a hijab (don't you just love it). Yeah, sounds really ghetto, but my dad was really creative and a genius. He made it in a way, so that you didn't need to pin it. The button and button hole of the shirt fastened right in the back of my head. That's what I call pure ingenuity. And every since that moment, I started to wear hijab.
As I got older, I never had the thought or feeling to ever stop wearing it. I always hear a lot of sisters saying how the want to take it off and stop wearing all together. Alhumdulillah, I never had this problem since I was soo used to wearing it from a young age. I also went to an islamic school since kindergarten, which made it easier, because I had to wear hijab all the time. We wore this navy blue khimar, an al-amira style. It was easy simple, easy, just throw it on and go.
Hijab for me was just my way of life. It was who I was. My parents always made sure I was covered properly, especially when I got into my pre-teen years, when certain things started to develop a bit to quickly. I made sure my shirts were always long enough, and long sleeved, everything was not form-fitting. I never really wore pants that much when I was younger, mostly skirts. I didn't even wear jeans until I was in the 8th grade.
When I got to high school things changed. I went from Islamic school to public school. My first year, I was still covering properly. But by my second year, I started to become more involved in the culture and wanted to dress like the other kids. So before you knew it, gradually, the shirts got shorter, the pants got tighter, and everything fell apart, mainly because my mom started to let me get away with a lot of things. She didn't wanna be hard on me because I had just lost my father so she just let everything go which was a BIG mistake. By junior year, I was completely gone. I was that muslim sister who would be wearing tight jeans, tight shirt, and a scarf on my head. I thought it was okay because there were other muslimahs in my school who were doing it, so I was just blindly following the crowd not giving a damn about anything.
So then by college years come rolling in. I still had that same mentality as I did when I was in high school. I was still dressing the same way and never thought twice about changing it. I never stopped because no one ever pointed it out to me, especially my mom. So I thought what I was doing was okay. This continued until I met my husband. I remember when we first went to the masjid together during Ramadan (this was before we were married). When he first told me that he wanted me to go to the masjid that he always goes to for iftaar, I freaked out. I hadn't been to a masjid in years and I didn't have the slightest idea what to wear because all of my clothes weren't "masjid appropriate." So I went with black wide leg pants and a white shirt that stopped hip level and a small jacket, so I was okay. The next time I saw him, I had on tight jeans, a long sweat-shirt style tunic, red converse, and a red hijab. Boy did he freak out. My husband is the type when something bothers him he shows it on his face but doesn't say it. I knew he had a problem with the way I was dressed and it only got worse when we went to this halal restaurant. We were ordering our food to go and the brother behind the counter was staring at me. I didn't notice it but my husband did, but he didn't say anything. He told me after we left and was pretty mad. I couldn't blame him.
Afterwards, I started to feel bad about the way I was dressing, because I knew I wasn't suppose to be dressed that way. After I got married, I completely bought a new wardrobe. I didn't start covering for my husband, but for me. I started to read hadiths and ayats on hijab and it changed my perspective on things. I started to understand why Muslimahs had to not just cover their heads but to cover their bodies, to show their modesty, and have respect for themselves and also respect for my husband. I was always say my body is for my husband alone and no other man should have privilege to see it. So that's when I started to wear abayas. One, for the convenience of it. All you have to do is throw it on and that's it. Another reason: it's sometimes hard and frustrating to find hijab-friendly clothes. Since I'm more on the curvy side and somethings are bigger than others, it's hard to find things that are loose enough without looking like im wearing a garbage bag.

When I started to dress differently, I started to get all the nagativity from my family. They were so used to seeing me one way, that when they saw me wearing an abaya they freaked. My brothers would say that it looks like im wearing my bed sheet, and that wearing an abaya is backwards. When my mom first saw me she didn't know what to say. She said that it was nice, more of a new style. That comment I was okay with but then she said that wearing an abaya is okay if your going to jumu'ah or for praying but on a daily basis it isn't good. My favorite thing she said, is that weaing an abaya will make you fat because it's too loose and you have nothing there to say that you are gaining to much weight. I still laugh when I think of that because it's soo not true, at least in my case and other sisters that I know. It's like when I was doing something I wasn't suppose to be doing, my family never said anything or didn't care. When I try to do the right thing for me and stick to my deen, then they have something to say or that I am acting strange. That's how the world is.
Earlier this year I had started to wear niqab. Even as a young child, I was fascinated by all the women I used to see at the masjid wearing it. I thought it was the most beautiful thing ever but never imagined myself wearing it. But that same fascination returned. It actually started thanks to a few people. When I started to the abaya, more men started to notice me. I always thought that if they couldn't see anything, they wouldn't say anything........wrong! That seemed to only intice them more. And it wasn't just the kaafir men, it was Muslim men. My husband and I were shopping in heavily populated Muslim community, and everywhere I went men were staring at me, even though my husband was standing right next to me. I wasn't wearing flashy clothes, just a black abaya, and black shayla (maybe it was my red converse sneakers but my abaya was too long to see them). I found it very disrespectful to me and my husband. These brothers had no shame whatsoever. So later, we went to the masjid for Asr, and I saw one sister in niqab and I was thinking to myself,'does she have the problem I do"? And after that moment, when I met my husband outside, I told him that I want to wear niqab. He looked at me and said am I sure. I absolutely had my mind made up. So we went across the street to this islamic boutique and bought one. But this was after I went to several stores and hated all of them. One had velcro and wouldn't fit around my big head, the other was toooo small for my face, and one had YSL written all over the niqab, subhanallah!!! I finally settled for a saudi 3-layer flip style. After I got home, my husband and I went back out and I wore my niqab for the first time. It was a little uncomfortable, the eye opening, but it was cold that day and kept my face warm. I felt sooo happy and like I was of top of the world. People looked at me but I didn't care one bit. I was doing for me and to receive more blessing from Allah. I never said anything to my family or when I saw them I took it off because I didn't want to hear the negativity. If I got heavily commented for wearing an abaya, I could only imagine what they would say about the niqab.
So now, I'm still wearing my abaya but I have taken off the niqab. Why? Because of several different circumstances. Mainly because of my job, that I kinda dislike. And also the neighborhood that I'm in. My husband doesn't want me to put myself in any danger because they are a few crazy people that wouldn't understand, so right now the abaya is enough. But Insha'Allah I hope to wear niqab again. I do it on a part-time basis, but want to return to doing it full-time. May Allah bless all the sisters who keep their hijab through these difficult time, and those who struggle with hijab on a daily basis. May Allah give us the strength and courage to keep following His Way. Ameen

Welcome to My Blog

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem.......Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatallahi wa barakatu. Ahlan wa Sahlan to my blog. This is something that has been a long time in the making, but finally here I am. For awhile Ive been addicted to reading other blogs and felt inspired to start my own. Ive been really inspired by all the muslim sisters who've been writing and sharing their feelings and experiences with others. Sometimes when you feel like you're the only one going through a certain situation and then, behold, you find someone who feels exactly the same. This happens alot among muslimahs. We feel that our situation is unique and no one else will understand how we feel or we don't want to talk about it because so many issues or problems we have in Islam are taboo. But we need to open up and let out our inner voice that yes we are muslims but we have problems just like everyone else. We're human. So insha'Allah, that's what I want try to accomplish with this blog, to add my voice into the many voices that are heard and silent. Insha'Allah ta'ala my experience may help someone else out there who can relate. And not only that but to connect with other sisters out there to help strengthen the bond of sisterhood of Islam . Ameen.