Well you already know I got married the other day. The thing behind it is that I never told my family about my intention. Why you may ask? Because 99.9% of my family are non-Muslim, only me and my mom are, and they don't really understand the concepts and the reasons of marriage in Islam.
You think I would of told my mother, but I still didn't even let her know. Was it selfish of me? I don't think so. I believe I was looking out for my best interest. Was I scared? In a way I was. I wasn't scared of the idea of getting married or moving away to another state, or what my family would of said because their opinion wouldn't have changed my mind. I was a bit scared to tell my mother because of the way she reacted when I told her I got married the first time. She was SO upset.
It was mostly my fault, the way I went about getting married to my first husband. I had told my mom about him and she met him, but we never made our intentions clear. I told my mom that I wasn't planning on getting married and I was gonna wait....Yeah right!!! I ended up getting married a week later, and I didn't show up at home the next day or the day after that because I had moved in with my ex-husband. I had came back home to get the rest of my things and my brothers were there and they already knew I was married because I was packing my things and leaving. My mom called me the next day I asked me if I got married? I told her yes and she flipped on me. She was angry at the fact that I didn't tell her anything at all, that she heard from someone else. It was sad how she found out.
The story is a bit complicated but I told my best friend right before I got married. She then told her mother who passed it on to someone else and then that someone else passed it to others and then everyone was going to my mom to say congratulations on something she had no clue about. Now how is this all linked together? My mom teaches at an Islamic school. My friend attended high school at the school my mom works at. My friend's mom also worked at the school and still knows all the staff and keeps in touch. So my friends my mom called one of the teachers and that were it started to spread. Then as always, the story started to change. People started saying the reason I got married was because I was pregnant, which I was totally NOT!! This is what happens when a bunch of women who have nothing better to do but talk and gossip all day do. I figured my mom was pretty embarrassed so she called me to set everything straight. She told me that I should of had let her know because she wanted to be there when I got married. I felt really bad that I hurt my mom, but I was so caught with someone who in the long run turned out to be bad for me.
So the second time around, you think I would have done things differently, well not quite. Instead of straight out telling her I kinda hinted it to her. I told her I was interested in my husband and all the good stuff. She was pretty impressed and wanted to talk to him. He had called her and talked to her for a little while. I told my mom that I was flying down to NC to visit him and I was going to be away for a week. I bet she figured I was getting married but of course she didn't say anything. I spent 3 days looking for the right words to say to her, to let her know I was getting married. Finally I told her the next day. Well actually I didn't say it my husband did. I was way too nervous because I didn't know how she would react to it since my mother is very unpredictable. When my husband handed me back the phone the first thing my mom said to me was thaat I was a chicken and she was gonna pluck my feathers like one. lol. I know my mother is crazy. She said I should of just spit it out and said it. She wasn't gonna kill me or anything. She said she was happy for me and that this might be the best thing for especially after what happened in my last marriage. She said that me starting off new, in a new place, new house, new people will be good. Also she told me to make sure that I visit my relatives who live out here and she said she'll always be my mother and she'll always be there. Pheww!!! What a relief that was but I know its not the end of what she has to say. I'm going back to NY tomorrow to get a few more of my things so then my transition will be complete, then I'll be flying right back down Saturday.
Why is that most of us are scared to tell our parents things? Is it out of fear or disappointing them or what they are gonna say? I think for me it was more of hurting my mom because Im living in a different state and I won't be as close to her as she likes. Im the only girl and the oldest so you know how that goes. But Im older and have to spread my wings and take flight. I can't stay in the nest forever. I think parents never really want to think of that day and dread it but they know it'll happen. But I know my mom will be okay,she knows Im an adult and have to make decisions on my own and alhamdulillah she respects it. She never really interferes with my life, she lets me live but of course still gives me advice along the way. I'll still love her no matter where in the world I may be. May Allah make things easy for her and myself. Ameen