Thursday, October 2, 2008

Nothing to Fear

Well you already know I got married the other day. The thing behind it is that I never told my family about my intention. Why you may ask? Because 99.9% of my family are non-Muslim, only me and my mom are, and they don't really understand the concepts and the reasons of marriage in Islam.
You think I would of told my mother, but I still didn't even let her know. Was it selfish of me? I don't think so. I believe I was looking out for my best interest. Was I scared? In a way I was. I wasn't scared of the idea of getting married or moving away to another state, or what my family would of said because their opinion wouldn't have changed my mind. I was a bit scared to tell my mother because of the way she reacted when I told her I got married the first time. She was SO upset.
It was mostly my fault, the way I went about getting married to my first husband. I had told my mom about him and she met him, but we never made our intentions clear. I told my mom that I wasn't planning on getting married and I was gonna wait....Yeah right!!! I ended up getting married a week later, and I didn't show up at home the next day or the day after that because I had moved in with my ex-husband. I had came back home to get the rest of my things and my brothers were there and they already knew I was married because I was packing my things and leaving. My mom called me the next day I asked me if I got married? I told her yes and she flipped on me. She was angry at the fact that I didn't tell her anything at all, that she heard from someone else. It was sad how she found out.
The story is a bit complicated but I told my best friend right before I got married. She then told her mother who passed it on to someone else and then that someone else passed it to others and then everyone was going to my mom to say congratulations on something she had no clue about. Now how is this all linked together? My mom teaches at an Islamic school. My friend attended high school at the school my mom works at. My friend's mom also worked at the school and still knows all the staff and keeps in touch. So my friends my mom called one of the teachers and that were it started to spread. Then as always, the story started to change. People started saying the reason I got married was because I was pregnant, which I was totally NOT!! This is what happens when a bunch of women who have nothing better to do but talk and gossip all day do. I figured my mom was pretty embarrassed so she called me to set everything straight. She told me that I should of had let her know because she wanted to be there when I got married. I felt really bad that I hurt my mom, but I was so caught with someone who in the long run turned out to be bad for me.
So the second time around, you think I would have done things differently, well not quite. Instead of straight out telling her I kinda hinted it to her. I told her I was interested in my husband and all the good stuff. She was pretty impressed and wanted to talk to him. He had called her and talked to her for a little while. I told my mom that I was flying down to NC to visit him and I was going to be away for a week. I bet she figured I was getting married but of course she didn't say anything. I spent 3 days looking for the right words to say to her, to let her know I was getting married. Finally I told her the next day. Well actually I didn't say it my husband did. I was way too nervous because I didn't know how she would react to it since my mother is very unpredictable. When my husband handed me back the phone the first thing my mom said to me was thaat I was a chicken and she was gonna pluck my feathers like one. lol. I know my mother is crazy. She said I should of just spit it out and said it. She wasn't gonna kill me or anything. She said she was happy for me and that this might be the best thing for especially after what happened in my last marriage. She said that me starting off new, in a new place, new house, new people will be good. Also she told me to make sure that I visit my relatives who live out here and she said she'll always be my mother and she'll always be there. Pheww!!! What a relief that was but I know its not the end of what she has to say. I'm going back to NY tomorrow to get a few more of my things so then my transition will be complete, then I'll be flying right back down Saturday.
Why is that most of us are scared to tell our parents things? Is it out of fear or disappointing them or what they are gonna say? I think for me it was more of hurting my mom because Im living in a different state and I won't be as close to her as she likes. Im the only girl and the oldest so you know how that goes. But Im older and have to spread my wings and take flight. I can't stay in the nest forever. I think parents never really want to think of that day and dread it but they know it'll happen. But I know my mom will be okay,she knows Im an adult and have to make decisions on my own and alhamdulillah she respects it. She never really interferes with my life, she lets me live but of course still gives me advice along the way. I'll still love her no matter where in the world I may be. May Allah make things easy for her and myself. Ameen


Zaenab said...

aw so glad it turned out ok! what did you wear in the end out of interest? when you go back home you should have a huge wedding party lol :D

Yasmin said...

Im glad it did too. I wore a black abaya made of chiffon with flared sleeves, that had silver stitching with heavy embroidery on the bottom and the sleeves, and sequins. It was really pretty. I love black. I even had a custom made abaya from Jordan for my first wedding that was heavily embroidered with gold thread. So this time around I did black and silver lol.
Well Im not gonna be in NY long, only for a day, so I cant really throw a party. But insha'Allah I plan on having one when I go back to visit in Nov-Dec.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad everything turned out okay! Lol, your wedding abaya sounds REALLY nice!! I'm now on the hunt for mine...:D

Yasmin said...

Lol, hey it's never too early to start planning for your wedding. Who knows it might be soon, you never know :)

American Muslima Writer said...

SubhanAllah and congrats for your wedding.
I know exactly how you feel. My parents too had no clue when i got married. It hurt them and I never knew why they wanted to attend something they didn't understand ... until I had my children and I can't wait for the day when I get to attend their weddings. I will be so massively hurt if I'm not invited to something so important. I will spend the next 20 years putting my life on hold to nuture theirs and if at the end when they step out on their own and make anew life they don't look back and invite me along their journey I will be crushed. So in the future try to remeber all the time and energy your mother has given you and inshallah you will do better to include her, as I am trying to do with mine. Paradise is a thte feet of the mothers not only as being a mother but serving your own mother and making her happy for the sacrifieces she went through to nuture you.

Insha'Allah you guys are happy and your family is happy.

Mina said...

A very late congrats I know, but I hope ALLAH blesses your marriage and may you both live a very happy and blessed life together.

Sister said...

I'm glad in the end it was okay.

To be honest though, sis. Maybe your marriages are shaky because you don't have the blessings of your parents/family. Regardless of whether or not they're muslim or whether or not they understand you... a marriage in Islam is a union between two families/tribes rather than just the two people. I think it's very important to realize that.

I dont want to sound like I'm judging but reading about what you're going through it a little depressing. A muslim woman is intelligent, independant and overall wise. You shouldn't rush into marriages like this. It has no value. I know you have taqwa and love for Allah and leave everything to Him but you also need to use your God-given judgment. Please, you're so young and shouldn't have to go through so much heartache and troubles for the sake of marriage.

May Allah swt help us all and guide us.

I wish you all the best. you're in my duas, truly.

- your sister in islam