Saturday, November 15, 2008

Rainy Night Ramblings

I can't really sleep, haven't been able to do that much lately, so I thought I would just write. At least its comforting and helpful when I have so much on my mind. I think I always get that way when its raining. Its thundering and lightning and the rain is coming down hard. Its actually kind of soothing. *Sighs* God I have so much on my mind right now. Im thinking about everything that is going and finding ways to come to terms with everything. My soon to be ex-husband and I had went out today, well to jumuah and to run errands and it was a hard thing to do. I still him as my husband. Everytime I look at his face, it still puts a smile on my face. The way he looks at things, the way he smiles, I still notice all these little things and it makes it hurt just that much more. I mean he is still acting the same, he still looks the same, so it seems like nothing has changed. We still laugh together and talk. I remember today, when I was getting my glasses we were sitting down waiting for them too bring the frames and I just stared at him asking myself is it really over? Is it? This man that Im so fond of? Could he really have meant what he said? Is there anyway for all this to work? A million questions and thoughts popped into my head. Subhanallah, the way I feel about this man if he but knew. I still like Im his wife and he kinda still treats me like I am. Right now we seem like best friends. I see something when I look at him, there's this feeling that comes over me and it just draws me closer to him. Its been that way for as long as I can remember. I mean he has his quirky, weird ways but I think thats what I like about him is because he's different. Ya rabbi, all this stuff came pouring into my head all I one moment and I can't stop feeling this way. Why? Shouldn't I be angry at him, cursing him, not talking to him? I can't. I don't have it in me. I still care about him soo much. I think thats what makes it harder. I want all this to work but I just don't know how. I look at him and see all the things that could be, things that would make our life happy. Maybe its just wishful thinking, maybe Im just dreaming a bit too much. Maybe Im just hoping too much knowin good and well its hopeless. I should let go but par of me won't let me. Im still holding on, being patient hoping everything will get better. Only Allah knows and insha'Allah I pray things will get better.
Im sorry if what I wrote makes absolutely no sense, but I just needed to get that all out.

13 comments:

sahra said...

Sis,

I'm confused! Is it final now? Or though you made the descision to seperate few days ago, then there seems to be a change in it? I hope that's the case. If not, we still pray for you. How much I wish HE will understand you and change a bit, becomes softer and feminine (I mean loving a bit), but may be Allah (swt) has better plans for you. What I like about Islam is the unwavering faith in a better tomorrow. I hope Allah (swt) will hear your cries. O Allah, pliz help Yasmin. O Allah, plis soothe her and come to her rescue. O Allah, you know what's best, pliz give her what's best for her! O Allah, give her patience and wisdom to go through this, give her a healing process to overcome it and stand with her during her times indeed! O Allah, ya Rabbi, you hear us all. We are sinners who don't deserve you, but despite that O Allah, you are the Master and we are the slaves. Have mercy on us. Allahuma Amin!

Yasmin said...

Shukran Sahra and ameen to your du'a. May Allah reward you. Well yes the divorce is somewhat final, even though I refuse to believe. Its something that I did not want at all. My heart wasn't in it. But insha'Allah I hope we do find our way back to each other, if not, may Allah grant me the strength to move on.

julaybeeba said...

have you tried talking to hima bout how you feel isn't it possible that he feels the same way

Halal Honey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Halal Honey said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I'm goin through some things right now too so I'm just trying to be patient and make duaa, even though it's sometimes it's soo hard to just get through the day without crying. InshAllah things will be okay, and you are in my duaas.

hijabee said...

Yasmin
When you said it was Khula I thought you were the one who wanted the separation? If you really feel this way I think you should talk to him because you still have 3 months to make up even after a divorce has been pronounced. When my husband and I went to see the imam after 3 months of arguing, he told me something I always remember. He says: You got married this morning, and you want your spouse to be the spouse that you want this afternoon! Meaning, it takes time for poeple to get used to their spouse's character, wants, needs or lack of! It can't be fixed in 3 months, sometimes it takes years. So he recommended a lot of sabr and compromise. So, please Yasmin if there is still little hope in your heart, you should speak to your husband and try to make up. The imam told us that divorce was not a solution but an exit, you only do it if there is no solution. I feel like you guys still have a decent relationship, it's not like you're mad at each other or anything, so talk it through inshallah and May Allah help you go through this and give you the strenght you need if this is not what's best for you.

Yasmin said...

Thanks fir the advice. Yea I did do the khula but Im kinda regretting that I did. The reason I did it was because it was either that or he was gonna divorce me anyway. And the bad part about it, is at first I didnt have regular periods and according to the scholars a woman who doesnt have regular periods, her iddah is one year. I know it doesnt make sense but thats what he was going by. Its kinda crazy now cuz after 5 months my period actually comes back. So in order to have a shorter iddah I just went with the khula. I feel I was a bit pressured to do it but I wasnt forced. I should of talked to the imam first, that was a mistake on my part. I should of thought things thru abit more. This is something that he really wanted and I couldnt change how he feels. Whats so bad about it is that he is already looking for someone else, not really to marry them, but sorta of like a girlfriend. Yes, thats a whole different story. I just dont know what to do. I still want my husband and I want things to work out and I know time will help it but he just doesn't see it that way. He says he isnt attracted to me and thats that and nothing is changing his mind. Im just a bit lost. I just pray everything gets better or that he comes to his senses.

hijabee said...

Yasmin,
Sister I really don't know what to tell you. If he says he's not attracted to you there is nothing you can do about it, it's not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. Inshallah,Allah will send you someone who is attracted to you, love you for who you are and cherish you for what you're worth. I really don't know what his issues are but I don't think he's not attracted to you, maybe there is something else he's not telling you. You don't lose attraction in someone in a month. For future decisions though, remember not to make any hasty decisions, always talk to an imam or a counselor especially for decisions of this importance. Sometimes, we need to talk to someone on the outside and have them advice us. Always call the Islamic center and ask for marriage counseling when things are getting rough! For now though, if he wants to marry someone else, you should move on even if it's hard! There are lot of opportunities waiting for you out there, with the help of Allah everything will be alright. In any case, for what it's worth maybe you should call the Imam and tell him about your case, maybe he can give you some better advice.

Mina said...

Oh cheer up hun, I can only imagine what your going through, don't go through it alone we are all here for you sis:)

And I agree, you should speak to your husband, how can he already be looking for someone else even if its not for marriage thats so wrong:(

But do try to go see your Imaan, and tell him your situation, Inshallah Khair.

Muslim Girl said...

Salam sister,

I came across your blog from another and just learned about your situation. My sister is in almost the exact same situation right now (going through a divorce only after 2-3 months) but the reason was because of her in-laws.

I hope that Allah (SWT) helps you to stay strong in this difficulty and that he eases your pain and helps you to become stronger by this experience iA.

However, I have a concern (if you don't mind!) I was troubled to read that he is already looking for someone else (whether as a girlfriend or as a wife) but yet in your few posts ago you said your husband is "Alhamdulillah he is a great man, very respectful, religious". I don't mean to offend you or hurt you in any way and I apologize greatly if I have, but this does not sound like a respectful or religious man - if he is already looking for another woman when he isnt even yet divorced from his wife! How can it be so?

Allah always puts us in situations to test us if we stay true in our imaan and our patience and preservation. Things sometimes do not make sense to us but perhaps they are for a better reason - after all Allah knows best!

My heart goes out to you sister and just know that your readers are always here :)

UmmAbdurRahman said...

salamu alaikum, i would still go to see an imam if I were you. You cannot be pressured into khula. Khula is a divorce that was initiated by the woman. If he wants a divorce and you do not, that is not khula. It seems as though he is trying to get around the rulings he says he follows because that suits him better.

Talk to someone ASAP.

Moon said...

Assalaamu Alaikum

Dear Yasmin, I can't help but agree with Hijabee and Ummabdurrahman.

Another thing is that by initiating a khula, you must return the mehr your husband gave you. it may give you a shorter Iddah, but plz this time wait at least three months before even considerring getting married again. Do not make any decision (whether to marry or not) before three months and do consult an Imam and ask him to do an Istikhara for you, and you must do it yourself too.

if you have already gone thru with the khula then you shouldn't be going around with your ex, as your marriage is already over, and he is no longer your mehram.he can however, take you back during your iddah if he so wishes.
This is what i know, but Allah knows best

check this fatwa out to clarify things
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/10140

I hope what i've said doesn't offend you, i'm only trying to guide you.

You are in my duaas sis, and were too when i went for Umrah.

hugs
Ma Salaama

Anonymous said...

I haven't stopped thinking about you,since i read ur post a few days ago sister. But i really think this guys just used you...(how can everything be his way or noway? and why is he looking for next girl?)please dont get me wrong but i think u should leave him and go to ur mum. who really loves and cares 4 u.