I can't really sleep, haven't been able to do that much lately, so I thought I would just write. At least its comforting and helpful when I have so much on my mind. I think I always get that way when its raining. Its thundering and lightning and the rain is coming down hard. Its actually kind of soothing. *Sighs* God I have so much on my mind right now. Im thinking about everything that is going and finding ways to come to terms with everything. My soon to be ex-husband and I had went out today, well to jumuah and to run errands and it was a hard thing to do. I still him as my husband. Everytime I look at his face, it still puts a smile on my face. The way he looks at things, the way he smiles, I still notice all these little things and it makes it hurt just that much more. I mean he is still acting the same, he still looks the same, so it seems like nothing has changed. We still laugh together and talk. I remember today, when I was getting my glasses we were sitting down waiting for them too bring the frames and I just stared at him asking myself is it really over? Is it? This man that Im so fond of? Could he really have meant what he said? Is there anyway for all this to work? A million questions and thoughts popped into my head. Subhanallah, the way I feel about this man if he but knew. I still like Im his wife and he kinda still treats me like I am. Right now we seem like best friends. I see something when I look at him, there's this feeling that comes over me and it just draws me closer to him. Its been that way for as long as I can remember. I mean he has his quirky, weird ways but I think thats what I like about him is because he's different. Ya rabbi, all this stuff came pouring into my head all I one moment and I can't stop feeling this way. Why? Shouldn't I be angry at him, cursing him, not talking to him? I can't. I don't have it in me. I still care about him soo much. I think thats what makes it harder. I want all this to work but I just don't know how. I look at him and see all the things that could be, things that would make our life happy. Maybe its just wishful thinking, maybe Im just dreaming a bit too much. Maybe Im just hoping too much knowin good and well its hopeless. I should let go but par of me won't let me. Im still holding on, being patient hoping everything will get better. Only Allah knows and insha'Allah I pray things will get better.
Im sorry if what I wrote makes absolutely no sense, but I just needed to get that all out.