Thursday, October 16, 2008

Am I wrong?

Can someone please tell me if Im overreacting or askinf for too much. Is it too much too ask myhusband to sleep in the same bed as me? Is too much to wanna be comforted by him? Is it wrong for a husband to try and please his wife?
May someone answer that because apparently the answers Ive given are completely wrong. I thought husbands and wives slept in the same bed, besides for those who have more than one wife.
Isn't that why they call it a marital bed.

Im having a hard time with it, Im trying to be an obedient wife and understand, but its hard because it's making me upset. And no matter how much I try to say so, I feel like its falling on deaf ears. He says that Im a violent sleeper, which I know Im not because my ex-husband slept with me in the same bed and never ever complained. And that I disturb his sleep and I dont see how. He doesn't like for me to touch him while he sleeps, which I found out the hard way the other night, which doesn't bother me too much but everything else does. Maybe Im the wrong one, but Im so confused about it.

A husband is really only suppose to separate from his wife in their bed if he is angry at her, but this isn't the case. He said he isn't angry at me, so what's the problem.

Sorry for rambling but Im just a bit confused by it all and don't know what to do? Im trying to win his affection, I do everything that a wife is suppose to do, what is it that Im not doing?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Umm Ismail said...

As salaaamoui alikum sister I don't My husband does not sleep in the bed with me alot of the time. and maybe it is a more hidden issue, but she set him down and explain to him how u feel. the Prophet Sallah alayhi was Salaam Had wives and shared a bed with them. and if you have multibile wives they share the bed on there days sis. any way just talkto him and Make Duaa.

Yasmin said...

Wa alaikum Assalaam ya ukhti, I first wanna thank you for linking me to your blog, jazak Allahu khairun.
I have talked to him about it and it seems he isnt really seeing my side and Ive explained to him that we should follow the example that the rasoolallah (saw) has given us but to no avail. Im trying to understand it and Ive done a bit a research and found out that a lot of spouses don't sleep in the same bed, which is a bit surprising. I dont wanna make him angry. He says I should just respect his wishes and be obedient. Insha'Allah we will see what happens. Allah knows best. Thank you for the advice.

Mina said...

Wow --- I thought I heard everything, I only thought couples didnt share the same bed as they get older not newly married couples thats very strange like u said he's telling you your a very voilent sleeper but you know that your not...Maybe theres a hidden reason hes not telling you... try and understand and talk to him, talking about it usually helps people to open up:)Inshallah keep paitent sis, make du'aa --- and Inshallah I'll keep you in my du'aas

Your sister in Islam
Amina xXx

Zaenab said...

what do you mean you 'found out the hard way'?! sorry for being nosy but where does he come from? Im thinking (and its just a thought) he might have a weird underlying issue about you having been married before, not sure but if this be the case you need to just come staight out with it and talk to him about it. I think thats what i would do anyway.. good luck!!

Yasmin said...

Salaam Mina, jazak Allahu khairan. Im being patient about it and its so hard talking to him because once he makes up his mind there is no changing it, and I think it's that whole military thing I don't know. I mean for now Im just gonna accept it, and see what happens but he still tells me he cares about me and his feelings haven't changed, so..I guess he just likes sleeping by himself.

First, he is african american. What I meant by that was that he went to sleep earlier than me one night and I came in later and when I laid down I had put my hand on his arm as a sign of affection. He jumped outta his sleep asking what was I doing and I told him and he turned his back to me. Then I had turned over and was crying then all of a sudden he just got outta the bed and went to sleep on the couch. I didn't understand why and he said I disturb his sleep because I grabbed him and started making noises, which I know I never did. I told him what
happened and he says to him thats not what really happened. So I got a bit angry cuz it seemed he was tryna tell me what I did. And a few words were exchanged, and he said he was gonna sleep on the couch for the next 3 days. So I don't know if that started it but everything seems weird. One minujte he was angry the next he was calling me sweety and hugging me but when I asked him to come back to bed he refused and said its not gonna work out that way. HE said you can either sleep alone here or back in NY, which kinda hurt me.
He has been married before so I don't think it has anything to do with me being married before. I asked if he used to sleep in the same bed with his last wife and he said yes but she never touched him or bothered him while sleeping. They just stayed on their side of the bed. I know it sounds crazy and Im still tryna make sense of it all, but Im not gonna let some little thing keep me down. Allah SWT is always there and sees everything.

hijabee said...

Honey I'm really sorry about your situation. Maybe you should ask him to try again to sleep on the same bed and tell him that you won't touch him or bother him. From what Im understanding you guys use to share the same bed, so this problem only occured because you touched him and he did not like it. It seems very weird to me but again, people are different you know and sleep differently. I'm sure you can talk it through though and he will get to realize that a husband is supposed to sleep by his wife's side! I mean he is supposed to be there to protect you. What if something happens to you in the middle of the night and you need help or something?

Zaenab said...

aw bless you!! im outta ideas..i really hope you can sort it out though, maybe you should give it a couple of days and try and bring it up again later but its deffo NOT your fault, he is the one with the problem here not you
Zaenab :) xxx

Yasmin said...

Hijabee, you don't how hard I tried to tell him that I want him to sleep next to me but he is being very stern his decision. I even proposed for him to try sleeping in the same bed again and if I disturb him in anyway that he can sleep in a separate room definitely. I even tried saying just 2 nights a week, that failed too. Its like he just sees one side and not the other side and tends to leave emotions and feelings outta of it all together. He says we should never base things on feelings because they could lead us to do evil things. It just amazes me that Ive been married 2 weeks and something like this happens. It makes me think a bit. I guess this is just how he is and I have to accept him for who he is. He is somewhat of an emotionless person, but most guys are.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really dont know if I wanna bring it up again cuz I know he is gonna say we been thru it and Im not changing my mind. I dont wanna piss him off or anything. It might make things worse. I just need to find a way to talk to him and let show him how I feel, but right now I have no idea how to. Emotions, like me crying or whatever doesn't get thru to him, so I dont know what will.

Habayeb said...

Salaam. All i can do is pray for you real hard that ur situation changes. Ameen. And im sure its real hard for fact, for any wife especially newly wed.

M.J. said...

If he's military he might have trouble sleeping easily. When my brothers came back from boot camp, they were all CRAZY. Once, I tried to wake one up and he started doing the saluting business WHILE SLEEPING, lol!! When two went on their tours to Iraq and came back, you can imagine how much worse their sleeping habits became. My oldest ones wife always complains about him doing crazy stuff in his sleep and her having to be careful scaring him when waking up because he might freak out.
My husband is a very light sleeper and I breathe heavy and move around at times. It took getting used to on his part, but alhamdulilah we're fine now. Thank God for ear plugs, mm? Tell your husband that you two are husband and wife. You're going to sleep together for the better of your relationships and because it's sunnat. Running away from ANY problems very rarely solve them, and this is one you two need to communicate and experiment to solve! InshAllah you will work through this, Sis.

Yasmin said...

Salaams m.j. I know many because he was in the military is why he is soo much of a light sleeper and really doesn't like anyone disturbing his sleep. Even the slightest noise he jumps up and says what are you doing. And also he used to have insomnia so the sleep he gets is very precious. We've talked about it and its best if we sleep in to different beds because I don't wanna cause any problems between us.
And actually I do sleep a bit better in the bed by myself. I just realized that I sleep better alone because in my last marriage I had more sounding sleep after my husband left for work. And at least that way if I wanna read or watch tv I can without disturbing him.

soapymomponders said...

My husband and I often sleep in separate beds. We've been married for 24 years. He has sleep apnea and I got to where I couldn't sleep with the machine so I'd spend the evening in the bedroom with him and then when I wanted to go to bed, I'd leave the room.

We then moved to a house with no extra room so I was back in the same room - but we got a king size bed. That lasted for two years.

Now we're in another house and "my" room is where I sleep probably 75% of the time. He's got a lot of health problems (many, many problems) so sleeping with him was not an option for either of us and at other times sleeping with him was a necessity (so I could care for him during the night if he needed me).

I see both sides of it because my husband misses me when I'm not there. I try to stay in there as late as I possibly can but I work (he is retired on disability) and he watches TV when he can't sleep. I hear the TV come on and I'm awake. For hours... LOL!

His Sweetheart said...

I don't wanna sound intruder here or a shrink. However, I have this feeling that it is something related to his childhood!! I am not saying 100% harrassed but there must be something wrong!!

If not, then look for some of these bed secrets on how to attact your husband. I read once that they work miracles!!

Salimah said...

Salaams luv. You might have already figured this out already but I thought I'd leave a post. If this is your husband's first marriage then perhaps he's a little shy or worried that he won't know what to do. Guys are soooo self-conscious about all that. If it's not something to do with that then perhaps you need to keep trying to talk to him. It's all about building up trust, and speak honestly and openly. I know it can be hard as hell when starting out but it works. I hope insha allah everything works out between you and your hubby.

Yasmin said...

Wa Salaam sis, thank you for commenting, I appreciate it. My husband has been married before and from I know he slept in the same bed as her, maybe its sumthing from that or from something else. I really think it has something to do when he was in the military. I just accepted the fact now and Im ok with it. It seems everytime we talked about it it almost turned into an argument and I refuse to argue or get that angry. Alhamdulillah everything has turned out good. There's no negative feelings between us. I think we love each other more and we are less grouchy people since we both get a good nights sleep.

Melissa said...

Salam alaikum, I just found your blog, I like it!
I wanted to put my thoughts out there on the sleeping issue...I am a light sleeper, and my husband snores, and sometimes he likes to sleep right next to me, and other times he tosses and turns all night. I have a hard time sleeping sometimes because of that, he doesn't even know he does all this. I even recorded his snoring once and he claimed that it wasn't him and said it must have been lions!
I do sleep better when I'm alone. But, I have gotten used to sleeping in the same bed with him.
My brother in law also is a big snorer and his wife told me that she sleeps in another room because she can't stand it.
I also read that you said he used to be in the military. I also was in the military, and after, I had a hard time when there was a sudden sound or light turned on or if someone came into my room. It really would freak me out. My mom thought it was really weird. So, that may have more to do with it than anyting else.
Does he know how much it upsets you? Is he willing to work on it at all?

Faith Confusion said...

It's a long time since you've written this post but i'd be interested to know how things turned out. I am the opposite; I wish my husband would sleep seperately from me!! Our baby sleeps with us and it is upsetting to me when he thrashes about in his sleep and wakes her a lot. I wish I could just sleep in another room (which we don't have at the moment) mand I know I'd be much happier with him in the mornings.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the girl above me...and you totally dont have to publish this comment. but he sounds like hes gay to me. sorry if im comming off offensive. but i am african american but it doesnt seem like hes treating u so well, and most african american men think they can say :obey: and that the wife is supposed to be this submissive little angel..bullshit. hunny it seems to me u rushed into the marriage a little fast and a little irresponsibly, these brothers are great with speech but a year later your making hijrah to yemen living with not electricity 3 kids and 1 abaya. (yes im muslim, an no im not or has never been married i just see it alot) i worry about women like you and i pray to allah your sittuation has gotten better inshaallah. salaam habibi

caisha maxamed said...

I wrote a lonh note and it didn't post I lost them all

caisha maxamed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
caisha maxamed said...

Asalam alaykum all. I have been married for almost two years now, and we have 10 months old baby. I have the same problem that once my sis Yasmin had.
My husband started talking about sleeping in different bedrooms. And I got so upset about it. He is usually not home at nights. he comes late most of the nights either at work or with his buddies.
I love him and I can't imagine my life other than with him, but I feel we haven't reached the level where we are emotionally bonded or connected. He feels that everything is okay and we don't need to work on anything. He loves me and all , but we have different ways of showing and recieving.

If I let him sleep separate I am afraid I'm ganna lose the little connection that I have and feel when he is sleeping next to me. it's comforting to see him sleeping on the same bed with me even though I keep my distance when he fells asleep. He doesn't like to be touched. I got used to it and I'm okay with that.
We are moving at the end of this month and he is talking about me sharing the room with our baby and him sleeping on the other room. I don't know what to do. I don't want force him to sleep the same bed with me at the same time I don't want to wake up in the morning and not see him next to me.

caisha maxamed said...

Any advice for me?

Luv said...

I can't believe I am reading this 9 years later lol. I am catholic American married to a Muslim Arab man. I do my best. I know since I have been ill alot and we are only in a full size bed atm that it can be intrusive a bit upon one another while trying to sleep at night. During the womans menstration he cannot sleep in bed with his wife. And since I ahve been seriously ill he has been nice enough to sleep on the couch. Its a normal thing. Many old fashioned couples slept in seperate beds and it was out of comfort and respect. Do not read so much into it. Know that your husband loves you and is tryinf to do right by you and Allah